Letters To Characters (Part 1)

Thursday, August 21, 2014

This is a post where I'll compose letters to random characters from different books, and talk about what's currently on my mind regarding them. Oh, and in case you're curious, the title of the post was originally a play on "Love Letters to the Dead" but I failed. As evident. 

Oh well.

1. Why We Broke Up - Minerva (Min)

Dear Min,

Why would you write a 300+ page letter to your ex-boyfriend telling him why you broke up with him? (I bet your hand ached. Why didn't you type it instead? Why, Min, why?)

JK, I'm being nice.  You're so dumb all the time.

That jerk doesn't deserve that, and do you know what you could have written to him instead? Let me tell you.

"Dear Ed,

Go sit on a knife. 

Hope you go bald,

There. Wasn't that easy?

Why did you return the items you collected over the course of the relationship to him in a box? You should have burnt them. Or if you really wanted to return them, you should have put the items inside the ugliest bag you own, with mice droppings and anything similarly smelly or icky. 

Or do you know what else you could have done? You could have thrown everything at his face and made sure something hit him in the groin.

But you didn't.

And that, is why we broke up.

With love,

2. The Selection - America

 Dear America,

Right now, I feel like I am writing a letter to the United States of America. At least, USA does not whine like you do. Or drift between two guys like you do. Honestly, you should stop complaining. If you think you can't do it, why did you sign up for it? If you think you are so ugly...hey, what about the two guys who are head over heels for you?

I don't even HAVE a cat.
Speaking of guys, I think you need to learn some good manners. I might have given you a lesson on How To be Polite To a Prince if only I knew how to be polite. But I can assure you that Lord O Knowledge, Google would aid you in my place.

Oh and just because you act like you don't care,  does not mean you are a super special snowflake.

With much hatred,

3. Cracked - Meda
Dear Meda,

OH MY GOD, MEDA. How could you not notice that sexy half-demon boy who appeared in like one scene that probably lasted about two seconds?! The one who was all smartness and sexiness? The one you didn't even give a second thought to?  Why, MEDA, WHY.


No! Before you devour my soul, hear me out. I LOVE YOU. You're like one of the best heroines I've met this year, and I love that dark humor of yours and I love how for once, a heroine (in this case, you) became that third-wheel friend who would happily see her two friends get together.

You didn't have a proper love interest, but whatevs. You were the ultimate coolest, okay?

I cannot wait to see your dark side in  book two. (And also the sexy half-demon boy. Pretty please consider dating him, maybe?)

With ten love buckets,

4. Throne of Glass - Celaena

Dear Celaena, 

I want to - and no, before you rip this letter, I don't "want to kill you". So calm down. If it makes you feel better, I have sent some pretty dresses and delicious food along with this letter. Moving on. Where were we again? Yeah, I want to tell you how much I adore you.

I loved your transformation from a girl who is a supposed assassin - who really doesn't seem like an assassin to an actual assassin who truly acts like one.

About the love interest, I know you will make the best decision.

(Psssst.  Chaol.)

Best wishes,

5. A Great and Terrible Beauty - Kartik

Dear sexy Kartik,

How did the GIF get here?! I AM INNOCENT.

I really love your name. I'm actually going to try to find a lot of Kartiks the next time I go to India on a holiday. I have a feeling you're making the "So what?" face right now. Anyhow, I doubt anyone in the world could compare to you.

You should probably stop sulking in the corner. I mean, you're like, not even a true love interest and not an important part of the plot (YET) and I cannot bear that.

Did I tell you that Gemma totally has the hots for you? Well, she does. She dreams about you like every other day and I really could not blame her. Pretty please go and have a hot make-out session? That poor girl deserves it. (WHY AM I STILL SURE YOU'RE GIVING THE DO I LOOK LIKE I CARE FACE?)

Also, please stop stumbling upon girls when they are naked or half-dressed. I've lost count of how many times you dunnit.
 Coincidence? Nuh-uh.

Yours truly,

And you, my Literaries.
(Oh god. That sounds horrible. I suck at making names.
Maybe I should call you guys my Oracle-babies?

If you're feeling particularly daring..
Write up a short letter to any character you want in the comments below.
Or if you're a lazy fella like me,  you could share anything you like!